My mind travels back to this time last year. It was extremely warm last summer, with PICU being the only ward that had air conditioning.
This time last year Ethan was so horridly sick, he had just come off the ventilator after it was thought he never would. He was withdrawing so very badly from all of the medicines, it was just horrible to watch.
But slowly the withdrawal got better, though it took many many weeks.
Last summer was a summer when I had to come to terms with losing Ethan. Losing Ethan after only just starting to believe that he would be OK and that we were "out of the woods".
I had to come to terms with him becoming so ill once more, and the way I easily switched back to being hospital mum.
Last summer was the hardest summer.
People say dont they that "time is a healer", that as time goes on it gets easier. Not yet for me.
I still dream of Ethan, I dreamt that he was just in his room waiting for me to wake up. I woke up and for a split second thought I could hear him. That morning just for a few seconds Ethan was still with me, he was just in the other room waiting for me to cuddle him. That morning last summer had not happened. I then I remembered and my arms remained empty of Ethan's lovely cuddles.
My eldest son is growing up and is now a teenager, and I hope that this summer for him will be a lovely enjoyable one.
This summer for me will be full of laughter and smiles, and hopefully a holiday or two. No ma