This time last year September 15th was a Sunday. On this day I had woken up to Ethan being unconscious and having a fit due to low oxygen levels. This time last year Ethan gave me the last cuddle he ever would be able to. This time last year Ethan was upset and I struggled to calm him. He hated me being out of his sight, his breathing was noisy and bubbly. Despite all this he managed to give me the odd smile and to dance to the radio that he refused to let me turn off.
A year ago tonight I would persuade myself to get an hour or so sleep so that I could the face the coming morning. Hoping beyond hope that Ethan would fight once more. A year ago tonight I would fall asleep to wake up with a start and the realisation that Ethan had died while I closed my eyes.
A year ago I last saw my Ethan alive.
It wasnt a year ago that I told him I loved him, as I told him every day until I saw him no more. I tell him every day in my heart.
A year has passed and life has carried on, and I smile and laugh and joke and chat like normal. I am not one to break down in tears and fall to the floor. Granted I did a year ago tomorrow but in most cases my sadness remains in me. I talk instead of my Ethan and my life with him. I cry in private.
So if you do see me and I am not horribly in a mess or tearful, it is simply the way I am, I prefer to cry on my own.
What I can say is do not shy away from talking about Ethan, sharing stories of him and sharing pictures. I love to listen about him and look at photos other people have taken.
I thank my friends and family for allowing me to chat about him, and to know if I change the subject about how I am/feel, it is because I do not have the words to say. Or rather I choose not to say.
My time hop today tells me Ethan has another virus. I know what the time hop tomorrow will say.
For now, my Ethan I say sleep well, sweet dreams. I will see you in mine.