Ethan had lost some weight as they could not feed him due to his tummy issue, he went down to 1lb 3oz.
I finally got to see my baby boy when he was 4 days old. I was transferred from local hospital by ambulance car, I was wearing the one loose fitting dress I had, surgical socks and slippers as we had forgot to pack shoes! I looked a state and I knew it!
As soon as I got there I went straight to see Ethan in the NICU, in a wheelchair as I was still weak. In Luton we had to wear gloves and aprons at all times while in the NICU. It was very quiet in there with little chat coming from the nurses and the main noise coming from the beep beep of the machines. Ethans incubator was all steamed up as it was humidified, along side him was the computer screen showing different things in different colours, with the wavy lines. On top of the machine was a red light that would flash if the numbers on the screen were not good and a god awful noise was made! The squish - swoosh noise of the ventilator, and the alarm noises that it made if there was a problem the beep beep boo noise (mainly due to water building up in tubes).
There he was, my tiny little scrap of a baby with wires every where. He looked perfect, and I remember looking at his belly button and umbilical cord and thinking "that is where he came out of me". At that time the wires were through the umbilical corn and not into his veins, It felt so hot in the NICU that I could only stay 10 mins before I had to rest as I still felt very ill. Thankfully the food at Luton was yummy and seemed home cooked so I was able to build my strength all be it slowly and by the end of the week I was able to spend an hour at a time with Ethan.
Walking into the NICU at Luton was a strange experience, I was so pleased to finally get to see my baby. I had to walk down a dark corridor before getting to the Baby ward and having to go through the buzzer system. Then straight into a large room, with nurses/doctors desks immediately in front of you. We were shown the hand washing technique and then taken to a incubator which you could hardly see into as it was so steamed up. The nurses handed me an apron and someone gave me a chair. Poor little baby so small, with wires every where! For a while you dont see that some are stuck on and some are not, and just see wires. Of course he had his oxygen SAT's monitor on, which uses a red light and made his foot completely light up like ET! His heart rate monitor, his respiration monitor and some lines direct into his blood stream through his belly button.
To begin with I had no idea what the machines were for, what the numbers meant I just knew beeping can not be good, so when ever it did beep I would say to the nurse "umm excuse me the baby is bleeping".
The nurse explained a lot about what was what but of course you can not take it all in to begin with. Especially high on morphine!
The next day we sat down with the doctor and we were told that his lungs were damaged because of the bleed and that he had grade III IVH (brain bleeds). The brain bleeds could mean he may have a slight limp, or that he may not walk. I was floored when I heard this and had to go away to get myself "together". Once I had worked out that the key word here is MAY, I figured that I could deal with MAY. Sod it I could deal with WONT, I would not love my son any less, I could change anything that had happened so I would not worry about what could not be changed.
That week we got to know Ethan a little, he hated being handled (as most premmies do) and that they were unsuccessful in lowering the ventilator settings. He was still on around 80% oxygen I believe (though it is hard to remember). I asked if when they changed the bedding could I hold him instead of the nurses and I was told he was too fragile.
I asked when would he open his eyes for the first time as they were still shut and the doctor said "if you just look at him now, he is starting to open his eyes", and he was! Tiny liitle peaks through tiny little slits but he was opening his eyes, (Which looked all black to begin with!)
I was discharged from Luton by the end of the week and I decided to go home to regroup, sort out clothes and to see my eldest son, who was on holiday with his Father when I gave birth to Ethan. I hadnt told him and did not want any one else to tell him but me. I had my first night proper sleep the night I came home. Some good friends came all the way to Luton to collect me.
Seeing my eldest son for the first time was emotional for me, though for him I think he took the news like most children. "oh OK" he said. I spoke to the hospital every day and Ethan was stable, and they were still trying to wean the ventilator settings. He did have another smaller bleed in his lungs but not one the doctors were majorly worried about. I was surprised at the doctors trying to wean his ventilator so soon but of course was then told most premature babies come off the ventilator after a week at most. I knew by then we were not most babies.
We went back to Luton after a few days and stayed in the Travelodge there as the hospitals parents rooms were not to be desired. More prisoner cell block H then anything! When we got to the hospital Ethans tummy had ballooned. The doctors feared it to be either a blockage or due to NEC, and as Luton does not have a surgical unit they wanted to send him to a hospital that did, and that their first choice was Royal London hospital in Whitechapel which is a lot closer to home then Luton but still 1 hour and 30 mins from home. It meant we did not have to stay in any more hotels! (They tried Great Ormond street but they did have any beds and it was felt he could have his full treatment at Royal London where as at Great Ormond Street they would sort out the surgical issue and then send him to another hospital for the rest of his treatment.) We were glad to stay away from hotels, the travelodge's bed was very soft and bouncy and had a "dip" in the middle, not the best for post c-section! The other nearest bed and breakfast we had seen had reviews online that said the landlord slept in the kitchen and used the kitchen sink as a toliet. Not one to risk even if the review was not true, I did not fancy taking a chance!
As soon as I got there I went straight to see Ethan in the NICU, in a wheelchair as I was still weak. In Luton we had to wear gloves and aprons at all times while in the NICU. It was very quiet in there with little chat coming from the nurses and the main noise coming from the beep beep of the machines. Ethans incubator was all steamed up as it was humidified, along side him was the computer screen showing different things in different colours, with the wavy lines. On top of the machine was a red light that would flash if the numbers on the screen were not good and a god awful noise was made! The squish - swoosh noise of the ventilator, and the alarm noises that it made if there was a problem the beep beep boo noise (mainly due to water building up in tubes).
There he was, my tiny little scrap of a baby with wires every where. He looked perfect, and I remember looking at his belly button and umbilical cord and thinking "that is where he came out of me". At that time the wires were through the umbilical corn and not into his veins, It felt so hot in the NICU that I could only stay 10 mins before I had to rest as I still felt very ill. Thankfully the food at Luton was yummy and seemed home cooked so I was able to build my strength all be it slowly and by the end of the week I was able to spend an hour at a time with Ethan.
Walking into the NICU at Luton was a strange experience, I was so pleased to finally get to see my baby. I had to walk down a dark corridor before getting to the Baby ward and having to go through the buzzer system. Then straight into a large room, with nurses/doctors desks immediately in front of you. We were shown the hand washing technique and then taken to a incubator which you could hardly see into as it was so steamed up. The nurses handed me an apron and someone gave me a chair. Poor little baby so small, with wires every where! For a while you dont see that some are stuck on and some are not, and just see wires. Of course he had his oxygen SAT's monitor on, which uses a red light and made his foot completely light up like ET! His heart rate monitor, his respiration monitor and some lines direct into his blood stream through his belly button.
To begin with I had no idea what the machines were for, what the numbers meant I just knew beeping can not be good, so when ever it did beep I would say to the nurse "umm excuse me the baby is bleeping".
The nurse explained a lot about what was what but of course you can not take it all in to begin with. Especially high on morphine!
The next day we sat down with the doctor and we were told that his lungs were damaged because of the bleed and that he had grade III IVH (brain bleeds). The brain bleeds could mean he may have a slight limp, or that he may not walk. I was floored when I heard this and had to go away to get myself "together". Once I had worked out that the key word here is MAY, I figured that I could deal with MAY. Sod it I could deal with WONT, I would not love my son any less, I could change anything that had happened so I would not worry about what could not be changed.
That week we got to know Ethan a little, he hated being handled (as most premmies do) and that they were unsuccessful in lowering the ventilator settings. He was still on around 80% oxygen I believe (though it is hard to remember). I asked if when they changed the bedding could I hold him instead of the nurses and I was told he was too fragile.
I asked when would he open his eyes for the first time as they were still shut and the doctor said "if you just look at him now, he is starting to open his eyes", and he was! Tiny liitle peaks through tiny little slits but he was opening his eyes, (Which looked all black to begin with!)
I was discharged from Luton by the end of the week and I decided to go home to regroup, sort out clothes and to see my eldest son, who was on holiday with his Father when I gave birth to Ethan. I hadnt told him and did not want any one else to tell him but me. I had my first night proper sleep the night I came home. Some good friends came all the way to Luton to collect me.
Seeing my eldest son for the first time was emotional for me, though for him I think he took the news like most children. "oh OK" he said. I spoke to the hospital every day and Ethan was stable, and they were still trying to wean the ventilator settings. He did have another smaller bleed in his lungs but not one the doctors were majorly worried about. I was surprised at the doctors trying to wean his ventilator so soon but of course was then told most premature babies come off the ventilator after a week at most. I knew by then we were not most babies.
We went back to Luton after a few days and stayed in the Travelodge there as the hospitals parents rooms were not to be desired. More prisoner cell block H then anything! When we got to the hospital Ethans tummy had ballooned. The doctors feared it to be either a blockage or due to NEC, and as Luton does not have a surgical unit they wanted to send him to a hospital that did, and that their first choice was Royal London hospital in Whitechapel which is a lot closer to home then Luton but still 1 hour and 30 mins from home. It meant we did not have to stay in any more hotels! (They tried Great Ormond street but they did have any beds and it was felt he could have his full treatment at Royal London where as at Great Ormond Street they would sort out the surgical issue and then send him to another hospital for the rest of his treatment.) We were glad to stay away from hotels, the travelodge's bed was very soft and bouncy and had a "dip" in the middle, not the best for post c-section! The other nearest bed and breakfast we had seen had reviews online that said the landlord slept in the kitchen and used the kitchen sink as a toliet. Not one to risk even if the review was not true, I did not fancy taking a chance!