How it all began
8 week scan
Well, there I was age 29 with an 8 year old son when my then partner and I decided we would like to have a baby together.
Granted having my eldest son was not the easiest and I had to contend with pre-eclampsia, emergency c-section and a hemorrhage but I could deal with that - right?!
Of course I officially had the worst pregnancy, I must have done as it was a nightmare from start to finish! (Of course I say this in jest as I know other mothers who have had even more horrific pregnancy's then me!).
I was bleeding from 8 weeks into the pregnancy, initially every 2 weeks I would have a bleed and so was a constant visitor to the hospital having in excess of 20 scans! (The picture here is his 8 week scan).
At 12 weeks just after my 12 weeks scan I remember feeling lucky, I had no bleeds and the scan was wonderful, when my stomach got very painful and tight. I had no idea what was happening and I expected to have miscarriage, I did bleed and I was admitted to hospital. It was the sign of what was to come. In and out of hospital with no cause for the bleeds found.
By 16 weeks I was bleeding heavily and it was constant - including blood clots.
I was discharged on bed rest at home discharged from the hospital at 18 weeks and told I was not to be left alone as there was a risk of Hemorrhage. I was scared witless and willing this pregnancy to whizz by! Every scan showed baby was fine but still I was bleeding. I had woken a few times to "gushes" during the night that had stopped and was forever afraid of going to sleep. I had consultant appointments every 2 weeks and the out look was initially not looking good, however things got more positive once I hit the 20 week mark.
At 24 weeks I went to see my consultant who felt that as every test showed I was a low risk for pre-eclampsia (which I had developed with my first son) and for premature labour then we need not talk about premature babies and did not need to speak to a neonatal Dr. I felt such relief, though I was still concerned that I was still bleeding.
Two days later I sat up bed and felt "funny". I can only describe it as a tingly sensation that began in my mouth and then moved over my face until I could hear what sounded like someone was rustling plastic in my ears, and lights flashing in my eyes. I called for Ethans father, who shouted "WHAT NOW" (I was feeling slightly relieved as he had come back from shops or who knows where, and I had been on my own once again for hours) and just said to him "I feel funny", then apparently I had a seizure.
I remember feeling very ill and I wasnt sure if I had called Ethan's fathers name loud enough for him to hear, so I kept glancing over to the bedside cabinet where I had kept my phone and thinking to myself "I might get to the phone to call for help..." Thankfully he had heard and came into the room.
I "woke up" to him shouting my name in my face whilst simultaneously speaking to the emergency operator on the phone, that was at 3.40pm according to my phone log. I could hear him say "yes she is still breathing" while trying to throw things into a bag in preparation for the trip to the hospital. Things were a bit panicked and I remember him throwing stuff into the hospital bag which had been well used and was mostly prepacked. I was actually quite annoyed as I just felt like I had been rudely woken up, and I actually remember dreaming of sorts though what about I dont know! (actually I do - it was dark with slight shapes of people that was talking to me ) At that point I realised that my tummy was rock hard and so very painful, and I was sweating, a lot! I was sweating so much that when the paramedics arrived they asked Ethan's Father if he had thrown water at me! It felt like one constant major contraction and I kept whimpering "help me". I was so hot I just wanted to take my clothes off! The paramedics had to keep making me keep my top on! They tested my blood by pricking my figure and said my blood sugar was slightly lower and tried to get me to eat some chocolate and have a drink of juice. I felt so sick I really felt like I couldnt, but I did try to nibble on the chocolate.
I was wheeled into the lift in my building in a seat/chair which meant I was almost standing up, looking like Hannibal Lecter without the mask, all the while convinced that I was heavily bleeding as I could "feel it". The female paramedic had a look but said there is nothing there so dont worry, they were so calm which helped me a lot. It was however my waters that was breaking.
I remember the paramedics saying she will feel very cold soon, and as soon as I was in the ambulance I did feel cold! Freezing! Maybe they should have dried the sweat off me - that may have helped!
I arrived at the hospital and was wheeled into A&E while Ethans father had to wait in the bereavement room while I was examined. I was in a lot of pain and was begging for pain relief, they scanned me despite me saying "dont touch my tummy!"(which really hurt as my tummy was in so much pain and in one massive contraction that would not stop, it felt needles in my stomach as soon as they touched me), as I turned my head away as I convinced the baby would not be living.
I heard them say "baby is ok, but there is lots of blood clots in womb" and I breathed a sigh of relief at the first bit of news and was not surprised about the second.
I was given a pethidine injection after begging for pain relief (which really hurt) and Ethans father was brought in to see me. I was in a big room that was divided by what looked like office dividers, I could hear the person next to me in pain. Once the pethidine had kicked in I felt very out of control and my body felt similar to what it had felt like just before my seizure so I was very scared. I am not sure if I fell asleep of if time just sped by, but I felt very out of it when I saw a couple of doctors faces looking at me and telling they were taking me down to theater now! I was very accepting of this fact and just wanted it all to be over with.
Apparently the doctors had noticed something was very very wrong with me, they took my quickly to the theater where I asked Ethans father to call my Dad, when he left I asked the doctors if they would put me to sleep and they said they would, and I just fell asleep..
I was in Theater for 4/5 hours, my waters had broke (which is what I had thought was bleeding) the seizure they think was down to eclampsia, which led to the placenta coming away (hense the rock hard tummy) then they think I had fluid amniotic embolism which meant that the amniotic fluid had got into my blood stream. This led to me going into DIC. Disseminated Intravescular Coagulation which means that my blood clotting function went into over drive and refused to let my blood clot. I was very very lucky and I know the doctors and surgeons worked very hard. Ethans father was told "Nicky is losing a lot of blood, if we need to can we do a hysterectomy? She is very ill and we are doing all we can... The baby is being bagged but is very very early, do you want to see?" He declined to see Ethan being bagged, I think he was shock with what had just gone on. He told the doctors to do all they could for me, he didnt care what they did but just to bring me back. He later told me there was so many people come into the room to talk to him, and saying "please sit down" he knew there was something very very wrong.
Next thing I knew I wake up - I presume in the recovery room, with an oxygen mask over my face and a nurse leaning over me saying "the baby is ok, he is in special care". I said "I have had the baby?!", it barely felt like I had been asleep, it was just like I had closed my eyes and then.... nothing..... until that moment. Just blackness - no dreaming no nothing.
Then Ethans father and his mum came in the room and I remember him giving me a kiss on the head and thanking the doctors and nurses. Then I was being wheeled into critical care and we had to again wait for the doctors to see to me. Once there they said something about my blood pressure being very high and I was given an injection of magnesium (which also hurt!) They attached me to the monitors and brought Ethans father and his Mum in. I asked what time it was and was told 9.50pm, I was shocked and said "No way". (The ambulance was called at 3.40pm)
I was covered by a sheet which for reasons unknown I picked it up to look at myself - I was horrified to find I was completely naked and said "OMG I am naked under here!" in a really high pitched voice! Ethans father put his hand gently on the sheet so that I put it down and said "yes Nic - I know it is OK". It made everyone laugh any way.
As it was late Ethans father went back home for a rest, though in reality it was to make and answer a million text messages and answer phone messages. As he left I made sure I asked for my glasses (as everything was blurred - though the drugs may have been of help there) and the book from on top the toilet. Because we all need that book dont we! The next day there was a very puzzled me when Ethans father said he had no idea what book in the toliet I was talking about but he had my glasses. I was then told Ethan weighed 1lb 11oz!
All that night in Critical care was very surreal and strange. I was talking a lot to the nurses, who said it was strange as most of their patients are normally asleep. Indeed the other patients were all ventilated and sedated. I was very very thirsty, and my throat sore from the tube (ventilator tube) so I kept asking for a drink, which the nurse would bring with a straw so I could drink it laying down. I felt bad for asking as even now I hate pressing the nurse buzzer or asking for help as it felt like they were at my beck and call, and hated it! I felt sure they had better things to do then get me a drink!
My bed was one that moved periodically to move the patient into a new position to avoid pressure sores. Unfortunately I was very sore from the surgery, I had four drains in my tummy plus the c-section wound, I was very very bruised to the point of black on my hands, arms and tummy (due to the DIC). Plus I was constantly being monitored every so often for blood pressure and blood sugars so sleep did not come easily. Just as I was comfortable the bed would move and the blood pressure cuff would squeeze then of course the nurse would come along and prick my finger to test blood sugars! I didnt really think about the baby that night, was probably too drugged up to notice much! The nurses cleaned me and changed the bed linen once during the night and again in the morning, I had to be rolled on to my side to try to change the bed without me getting out (I had to lay flat). This was very painful despite the drugs.
The next afternoon I was moved to high dependancy ward, thankfully it only had one patient for the few days I was there - me! The doctors came round and told me I was very lucky to be alive and they did not think they would be speaking to me. I had lost over 3 litres of blood and had a transfusion of 4 units. That was a scary conversation, and there was many doctors that kept coming to check on me as they said it was rare they had a case like me! That is not always the best thing to know, and makes getting to sleep slightly hard.
At this point I was told Ethan had been moved to a level 3 hospital in Luton (as Southend is a level 2), and that he had made the transfer and was ok. I still dont remember much of that day, I know I saw Ethans father and his mum and I think I spoke to my sisters and Aunt on the phone. Ethans sister was taken to see me in the evening when I was a bit more with it and we watched Strictly come dancing together. Ethans father wanted to leave after an hour but we persuaded him to stay with me for a while longer. I was still on a lot of pain relief and antibiotics so was just very very tired with a sore throat still. I was also still on Oxygen - just a small amount. My (Ex)very lovely Mother in law also came to see me briefly that night. I think she only stayed for 5 mins but everything was still very much a blur.
The next day they wanted me to start to get out of bed, which I was not amused with, I was sat up in a chair with all my collection pots around me (I had 4 drains and catheter). I was visited by my Dad, step mum and 2 little sisters, then my Aunt and cousin came to see me as well. I was pleased to see them all as I know they were all so worried. I dont remember talking much about the baby, I know I didnt want to talk about what had happen to me, and asked that Ethans father tell them away from me. Hearing the words "she nearly didnt make it" was too much for me. The food at the hospital was awful, just microwaved food that I refused to eat. My dad kept saying "you must eat Nicky, you need your strength". I thought to myself not with this poison!
After they had left I was told I needed to walk so the catheter was taken out and I had to "walk" to the toilet! The pain was immense it took me ages to get any where! It was far far worse then my first c-section, that was a piece of cake compared to that! That evening I had a call from Luton where Ethan had been taken and was told that he had had a bleed on his lungs, a significant bleed and it was touch and go. They asked if I could be transferred asap to be with the baby. I tried to call Ethans father but his phone was off, I managed to get hold of him by calling a friend who woke him up by knocking on the door, telling him "I would advise when your partner is in hospital very ill, and your baby also not to turn off your phone so you can sleep!".
It was decided I was not well enough to be transferred for another day, so that night was a very sleepless night hoping that the phone would not ring. It did not! It was also the first real time I had thought about the baby, as everything seemed so unreal to me until then.
The next day they took out the four drains that were in my tummy, I was so worried as I had a drain when I had my first C-section with my eldest son Ben, and when they pulled it out it hurt like hell! Thankfully it did not hurt too much and just stung a little bit. I was moved to a side room in the post natal part of the hospital, the change in the level of care was massive. I no longer had one to one nursing, but I guess it meant I had to do more for myself! It also meant that it would take ages for someone to call when I pressed my buzzer, just shows the lack of midwives. My sister Kim came to see me and helped me organise my bag, but it turned out everything I had was not suitable for a post c-section. Suitable clothes would have to wait until we got to Luton!
Granted having my eldest son was not the easiest and I had to contend with pre-eclampsia, emergency c-section and a hemorrhage but I could deal with that - right?!
Of course I officially had the worst pregnancy, I must have done as it was a nightmare from start to finish! (Of course I say this in jest as I know other mothers who have had even more horrific pregnancy's then me!).
I was bleeding from 8 weeks into the pregnancy, initially every 2 weeks I would have a bleed and so was a constant visitor to the hospital having in excess of 20 scans! (The picture here is his 8 week scan).
At 12 weeks just after my 12 weeks scan I remember feeling lucky, I had no bleeds and the scan was wonderful, when my stomach got very painful and tight. I had no idea what was happening and I expected to have miscarriage, I did bleed and I was admitted to hospital. It was the sign of what was to come. In and out of hospital with no cause for the bleeds found.
By 16 weeks I was bleeding heavily and it was constant - including blood clots.
I was discharged on bed rest at home discharged from the hospital at 18 weeks and told I was not to be left alone as there was a risk of Hemorrhage. I was scared witless and willing this pregnancy to whizz by! Every scan showed baby was fine but still I was bleeding. I had woken a few times to "gushes" during the night that had stopped and was forever afraid of going to sleep. I had consultant appointments every 2 weeks and the out look was initially not looking good, however things got more positive once I hit the 20 week mark.
At 24 weeks I went to see my consultant who felt that as every test showed I was a low risk for pre-eclampsia (which I had developed with my first son) and for premature labour then we need not talk about premature babies and did not need to speak to a neonatal Dr. I felt such relief, though I was still concerned that I was still bleeding.
Two days later I sat up bed and felt "funny". I can only describe it as a tingly sensation that began in my mouth and then moved over my face until I could hear what sounded like someone was rustling plastic in my ears, and lights flashing in my eyes. I called for Ethans father, who shouted "WHAT NOW" (I was feeling slightly relieved as he had come back from shops or who knows where, and I had been on my own once again for hours) and just said to him "I feel funny", then apparently I had a seizure.
I remember feeling very ill and I wasnt sure if I had called Ethan's fathers name loud enough for him to hear, so I kept glancing over to the bedside cabinet where I had kept my phone and thinking to myself "I might get to the phone to call for help..." Thankfully he had heard and came into the room.
I "woke up" to him shouting my name in my face whilst simultaneously speaking to the emergency operator on the phone, that was at 3.40pm according to my phone log. I could hear him say "yes she is still breathing" while trying to throw things into a bag in preparation for the trip to the hospital. Things were a bit panicked and I remember him throwing stuff into the hospital bag which had been well used and was mostly prepacked. I was actually quite annoyed as I just felt like I had been rudely woken up, and I actually remember dreaming of sorts though what about I dont know! (actually I do - it was dark with slight shapes of people that was talking to me ) At that point I realised that my tummy was rock hard and so very painful, and I was sweating, a lot! I was sweating so much that when the paramedics arrived they asked Ethan's Father if he had thrown water at me! It felt like one constant major contraction and I kept whimpering "help me". I was so hot I just wanted to take my clothes off! The paramedics had to keep making me keep my top on! They tested my blood by pricking my figure and said my blood sugar was slightly lower and tried to get me to eat some chocolate and have a drink of juice. I felt so sick I really felt like I couldnt, but I did try to nibble on the chocolate.
I was wheeled into the lift in my building in a seat/chair which meant I was almost standing up, looking like Hannibal Lecter without the mask, all the while convinced that I was heavily bleeding as I could "feel it". The female paramedic had a look but said there is nothing there so dont worry, they were so calm which helped me a lot. It was however my waters that was breaking.
I remember the paramedics saying she will feel very cold soon, and as soon as I was in the ambulance I did feel cold! Freezing! Maybe they should have dried the sweat off me - that may have helped!
I arrived at the hospital and was wheeled into A&E while Ethans father had to wait in the bereavement room while I was examined. I was in a lot of pain and was begging for pain relief, they scanned me despite me saying "dont touch my tummy!"(which really hurt as my tummy was in so much pain and in one massive contraction that would not stop, it felt needles in my stomach as soon as they touched me), as I turned my head away as I convinced the baby would not be living.
I heard them say "baby is ok, but there is lots of blood clots in womb" and I breathed a sigh of relief at the first bit of news and was not surprised about the second.
I was given a pethidine injection after begging for pain relief (which really hurt) and Ethans father was brought in to see me. I was in a big room that was divided by what looked like office dividers, I could hear the person next to me in pain. Once the pethidine had kicked in I felt very out of control and my body felt similar to what it had felt like just before my seizure so I was very scared. I am not sure if I fell asleep of if time just sped by, but I felt very out of it when I saw a couple of doctors faces looking at me and telling they were taking me down to theater now! I was very accepting of this fact and just wanted it all to be over with.
Apparently the doctors had noticed something was very very wrong with me, they took my quickly to the theater where I asked Ethans father to call my Dad, when he left I asked the doctors if they would put me to sleep and they said they would, and I just fell asleep..
I was in Theater for 4/5 hours, my waters had broke (which is what I had thought was bleeding) the seizure they think was down to eclampsia, which led to the placenta coming away (hense the rock hard tummy) then they think I had fluid amniotic embolism which meant that the amniotic fluid had got into my blood stream. This led to me going into DIC. Disseminated Intravescular Coagulation which means that my blood clotting function went into over drive and refused to let my blood clot. I was very very lucky and I know the doctors and surgeons worked very hard. Ethans father was told "Nicky is losing a lot of blood, if we need to can we do a hysterectomy? She is very ill and we are doing all we can... The baby is being bagged but is very very early, do you want to see?" He declined to see Ethan being bagged, I think he was shock with what had just gone on. He told the doctors to do all they could for me, he didnt care what they did but just to bring me back. He later told me there was so many people come into the room to talk to him, and saying "please sit down" he knew there was something very very wrong.
Next thing I knew I wake up - I presume in the recovery room, with an oxygen mask over my face and a nurse leaning over me saying "the baby is ok, he is in special care". I said "I have had the baby?!", it barely felt like I had been asleep, it was just like I had closed my eyes and then.... nothing..... until that moment. Just blackness - no dreaming no nothing.
Then Ethans father and his mum came in the room and I remember him giving me a kiss on the head and thanking the doctors and nurses. Then I was being wheeled into critical care and we had to again wait for the doctors to see to me. Once there they said something about my blood pressure being very high and I was given an injection of magnesium (which also hurt!) They attached me to the monitors and brought Ethans father and his Mum in. I asked what time it was and was told 9.50pm, I was shocked and said "No way". (The ambulance was called at 3.40pm)
I was covered by a sheet which for reasons unknown I picked it up to look at myself - I was horrified to find I was completely naked and said "OMG I am naked under here!" in a really high pitched voice! Ethans father put his hand gently on the sheet so that I put it down and said "yes Nic - I know it is OK". It made everyone laugh any way.
As it was late Ethans father went back home for a rest, though in reality it was to make and answer a million text messages and answer phone messages. As he left I made sure I asked for my glasses (as everything was blurred - though the drugs may have been of help there) and the book from on top the toilet. Because we all need that book dont we! The next day there was a very puzzled me when Ethans father said he had no idea what book in the toliet I was talking about but he had my glasses. I was then told Ethan weighed 1lb 11oz!
All that night in Critical care was very surreal and strange. I was talking a lot to the nurses, who said it was strange as most of their patients are normally asleep. Indeed the other patients were all ventilated and sedated. I was very very thirsty, and my throat sore from the tube (ventilator tube) so I kept asking for a drink, which the nurse would bring with a straw so I could drink it laying down. I felt bad for asking as even now I hate pressing the nurse buzzer or asking for help as it felt like they were at my beck and call, and hated it! I felt sure they had better things to do then get me a drink!
My bed was one that moved periodically to move the patient into a new position to avoid pressure sores. Unfortunately I was very sore from the surgery, I had four drains in my tummy plus the c-section wound, I was very very bruised to the point of black on my hands, arms and tummy (due to the DIC). Plus I was constantly being monitored every so often for blood pressure and blood sugars so sleep did not come easily. Just as I was comfortable the bed would move and the blood pressure cuff would squeeze then of course the nurse would come along and prick my finger to test blood sugars! I didnt really think about the baby that night, was probably too drugged up to notice much! The nurses cleaned me and changed the bed linen once during the night and again in the morning, I had to be rolled on to my side to try to change the bed without me getting out (I had to lay flat). This was very painful despite the drugs.
The next afternoon I was moved to high dependancy ward, thankfully it only had one patient for the few days I was there - me! The doctors came round and told me I was very lucky to be alive and they did not think they would be speaking to me. I had lost over 3 litres of blood and had a transfusion of 4 units. That was a scary conversation, and there was many doctors that kept coming to check on me as they said it was rare they had a case like me! That is not always the best thing to know, and makes getting to sleep slightly hard.
At this point I was told Ethan had been moved to a level 3 hospital in Luton (as Southend is a level 2), and that he had made the transfer and was ok. I still dont remember much of that day, I know I saw Ethans father and his mum and I think I spoke to my sisters and Aunt on the phone. Ethans sister was taken to see me in the evening when I was a bit more with it and we watched Strictly come dancing together. Ethans father wanted to leave after an hour but we persuaded him to stay with me for a while longer. I was still on a lot of pain relief and antibiotics so was just very very tired with a sore throat still. I was also still on Oxygen - just a small amount. My (Ex)very lovely Mother in law also came to see me briefly that night. I think she only stayed for 5 mins but everything was still very much a blur.
The next day they wanted me to start to get out of bed, which I was not amused with, I was sat up in a chair with all my collection pots around me (I had 4 drains and catheter). I was visited by my Dad, step mum and 2 little sisters, then my Aunt and cousin came to see me as well. I was pleased to see them all as I know they were all so worried. I dont remember talking much about the baby, I know I didnt want to talk about what had happen to me, and asked that Ethans father tell them away from me. Hearing the words "she nearly didnt make it" was too much for me. The food at the hospital was awful, just microwaved food that I refused to eat. My dad kept saying "you must eat Nicky, you need your strength". I thought to myself not with this poison!
After they had left I was told I needed to walk so the catheter was taken out and I had to "walk" to the toilet! The pain was immense it took me ages to get any where! It was far far worse then my first c-section, that was a piece of cake compared to that! That evening I had a call from Luton where Ethan had been taken and was told that he had had a bleed on his lungs, a significant bleed and it was touch and go. They asked if I could be transferred asap to be with the baby. I tried to call Ethans father but his phone was off, I managed to get hold of him by calling a friend who woke him up by knocking on the door, telling him "I would advise when your partner is in hospital very ill, and your baby also not to turn off your phone so you can sleep!".
It was decided I was not well enough to be transferred for another day, so that night was a very sleepless night hoping that the phone would not ring. It did not! It was also the first real time I had thought about the baby, as everything seemed so unreal to me until then.
The next day they took out the four drains that were in my tummy, I was so worried as I had a drain when I had my first C-section with my eldest son Ben, and when they pulled it out it hurt like hell! Thankfully it did not hurt too much and just stung a little bit. I was moved to a side room in the post natal part of the hospital, the change in the level of care was massive. I no longer had one to one nursing, but I guess it meant I had to do more for myself! It also meant that it would take ages for someone to call when I pressed my buzzer, just shows the lack of midwives. My sister Kim came to see me and helped me organise my bag, but it turned out everything I had was not suitable for a post c-section. Suitable clothes would have to wait until we got to Luton!