Yet so many things seem to be going wrong, with artists being ill, people not being able to make it after all and rules being changed at the last minute.
I hope beyond hope that many people and we raise a lot of money.
Some close family members are unable to make it and I feel sad about that too.
In the meantime I am now working full time and enjoying the work and the challenge.
But now the dreams have started. I have dreamt about Ethan a few times since he died but I have really rememered them like I have been lately. Sometimes I may remember trying to cuddle him and finding him gone. Recently the dreams are more vivid.
I dreamt that he was with me while I was out shopping, and I was playing with him and talking to him. Then someone asked me about how old he was etc and was he my first. I told that person in my dream that he was my third child, my eldest being Ben, My second Ethan who sadly died and then this child who looks just like Ethan.
Those who know me know I can not have any more children without severe risk to my life so another child is not possible.
Then I dreamt that I was with a group of my closest friends, in the open plan office. They were all talking about what I could do with Ethan and in my head Ethan had been gone for a couple of days. In my dream I felt the sadness and heavy heart feeling, the hurt and pain of knowing he is gone. Yet I did not want to tell my friends, in the end I spoke to one of them and told them he had in fact died a few days ago. Her reaction was to slowly lower her head as if it had become too heavy with grief.
I know what my dreams mean. The first I was acknowledging that he was gone but I did not want him to be.
The second because I feel so bad that I did not tell my close group of friends until later on in the day, on the day that he died. I spoke to one of them and asked her not to say anything. I think I knew that once they knew it would mean he was really dead. Until then, at least in their minds he was still much alive. I am sad though and wish I had told them straight away. My friend lowering her head with grief is just how I feel, despite the smiles and carry on attitude.
My heart aches every day for my little boy with the sunshine smiles. I can not believe that I will not see him ever again, as I know I will see him in my dreams. But only my dreams.
In the meantime please please show your support by attending tomorrows Memorial event. Please remember the idea is to have fun and listen to cool music, but it is also to honour the joy that was my baby boy.
So come to Cambridge United Football club, Harris Suite from 6.15pm onwards.
Remember my little Ethan, forever three years old.