Its been a year since Ethan went into hospital.
Life carries on as it always does, work, visting friends and families, holidays and birthdays. Yet this year its all slightly different.
This year is the year without Ethan.
I think of my little boy every single day without fail.
Sometimes memories of losing Ethan comes flooding back, the night that I lost him. Sobbing on the stairs and being unable to look at him. Crying into his hair while I cut a lock of his fair hair, telling him I loved him so very much.
Other times a memory will cause me to smile, or I will see a child with blonde curly hair and I look at the child parents and want to say "I had a little boy with hair like that".
A friend of mine recently lost her 4 year old, he was a premmie too. I suddenly remembered the pain that I felt and still feel for Ethan and I would not wish it on anyone in the world.
I hope though, that in time she too will be able to smile at memories of her lovely boy as I do of mine. Like me she will see her son everytime she closes her eyes, like someone has imprinted his photo onto the back of my eyelids.
I wish I could say the pain gets better over time, as some people say. What I can say is that as time goes on you will have some moments of pain and sorrow, but also smiles and laughter when you remember those you have lost.
I wish I could say we will see our children again, I wish I could tell her she will hold him in her arms one day as I will Ethan. If only we could I know those parents who have lost would never let go.
If only we knew what was coming, if only we could have held them that last time. If only we could see them again.
Then again I do see Ethan in a way...........
everytime I close my eyes.