I am pleased that I wrote this blog at the time, as we all know with time some memories fade and this blog helps me remember what happened. The good and the bad.I remember a dear friend of mine saying to me it is not just about "the day" but the time of year the invokes memories and feelings. So Autumn (for both of us actually) will always the the season of loss.
Losing a child is a difficult thing to live with, I will never know what he may have looked like when he got older. Each birthday I will always wonder. Each birthday will always be a special day. In time I hope it is just his birthday and not "THE" day that stays with me, however perhaps it will always be Autumn. Someone said to me recently "When you lose a parent, or a brother, or a spouse you lose your past. When you lose a child, you lose your future."
A friend of mine has painted a pastel drawing of Ethan for me, it sits in my kitchen ready to be framed. My Step son looked at it and said "I often think what Ethan may have looked like when he got older, and now I do as that picture tells me". I know what he means.
Two years ago Ethan's journey was ending, it is hard when I think of like that. Saying journey instead of life just makes it easier for everyone else. The truth is of course that two years ago Ethan's life was ending.
Two years on and my "journey" continues and what a journey I am on. I am not always sad, I don't break down in tears (very often) and I do have fun. I am not just bereaved mother but a Wife, Mother and Friend. Two years on and things change, what would have been life "If". That is more or less what my dreams are like now if I dream of Ethan.
Then there is the question (That I asked someone myself recently and only after their hesitation to answer I realized they too had lost). "How many children do you have?".
I answer I have three at home. I tend not to say I have one son and step children as my step children are my children. I care for them, look after them, teach them just the same.
I do however only mention Ethan if it is appropriate, or at least try. Its just not the done thing to say "Oh how lovely you are having a baby! my child died". Yet every time I don't mention Ethan I feel guilty.
So I have 4 children, 3 live at home and one lives only in my dreams.