This is a not a respite break - or an end of life event to be managed. This is the end of Ethan's life. The end of my life with Ethan.
Tomorrow Ethan will be dressed in his little outfit and then he will be placed in his casket ready for the following day. I will never see him again after that.
I know he has already gone, of course I do, I was there . To me I still have the option of going to see him, and he looks quite like he is just sleeping. After Wednesday I will see him in my dreams only.
I remember what I said when I found him, "My poor baby" I told him over and over that I loved him so very much and I sang to him.
I love him my beautiful wonderful smiley little boy. It hit me today that he will not age. He will always be three nearly four in our minds eye. I will not ever know what he may have looked like when he was older.
I wish beyond wish that his father could have seen Ethan as he was getting better these last few months, to see that he did not look like he was sick. To know how much fun he was. However in the end it was his choice and I do not have any regrets.
EACH have been just wonderful as always. They have made salt dough ornaments to decorate and place in with Ethan - and to keep one to be with me. Such a lovely idea.
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